Advice Please (Bret's Weddings)
I need some advice from my friends. Far and near. Young and old. I don’t care. I just appreciate your input. For many years I have been a Pastor and have a close relationship with a lot of people. For a long time I was a youth Pastor and a Pastor of a church that had many young people. As is customary (ha), these young people grow up, fall in love and want to get married. When that time comes I sometimes get a phone call saying (almost always similar): “Pastor Bret, we are getting married!! And we would LOVE you to perform our wedding ceremony.” I almost always say the same thing: “Wow! Congratulations. I am so excited for you. Let me check with my schedule, my wife and get back to you. But I am honored you would consider me to lead out on such an important day.” Most of the time I am able to accommodate people in their wedding plans as they are working months, if not a year ahead of time.
Here’s where I need advice. Oftentimes the couple will ask me: “So, what do you charge to do a wedding?” “Is there a charge?” My answer: “I don’t charge to do a wedding. But it is customary to give an honorarium (like a gift) to the Pastor who leads your wedding.” Them: “Oh, OK.”
Over the last few years (it has gotten worse lately), I have been asked to perform weddings farther away from home and have incurred considerable expense getting to the wedding (sometimes involving flights, hotels, rental cars, etc.) Several times I have received no gift or compensation for any of this. In fact, I can think of three occasions where I have not even received a thank you note. This is especially true for weddings on beaches for some reason. In fact, if you call any time soon and ask me to perform a wedding on a beach I will likely decline (well, maybe not, since it is beautiful and you are probably a dear friend if you are asking me). I calculated and over the last three years I have lost several thousand dollars (costs over compensation). I don’t have a budget line that says “wedding ministry expense.”
I don’t “charge” to perform a wedding because I think it goes against the spirit of the gospel and the way I sense Jesus would do ministry. But I do have to pay my bills and American Express or Visa don’t take kindly to me saying “well, I didn’t get paid for this expense….” (not that I have tried this).
When I am at one of these weddings I have a pretty important role. I mean I am really leading the thing. I oftentimes see something that needs correction, something that could go very wrong and fix it and make sure the ceremony comes off well. It is work. I take time to think through a personal message. I have the time away from home and regular ministry to be there, be at the rehearsal dinner (usually) and the wedding and reception (though we usually cut out early). Then I look over at the photographer also working very hard and the videographer and realize this gal or guy is likely getting a paycheck for their work. I assume the dinner is paid for. Somebody paid for the venue. You get the idea.
So, thoughts, comments, advice, please.
Hi Bret,
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I thought of was 1 Timothy 5:18b "... The worker deserves his wages." I just happened to look up a verse to see "The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching" v. 17.
Matthew Henry's commentary says, "Care must be taken that ministers are maintained. And those who are laborious in this work are worthy of double honour and esteem. It is their just due, as much as the reward of the labourer."
It's always hard to ask for money, especially when it's connected to ministry. However, I don't think that God intends for His servants to enable people to take advantage. Sometimes we just need to make people aware of what we are responsible for and what they are responsible for.
With that said, I think that I would add this to your "I do not charge ... honorarium ..." "My only request is that my travel expenses be paid for, since I am not able to absorb those costs." Or something like that.
I think that's very fair and provides the couple with the opportunity to honor you in a tangible way. I don't think I would have thought about that in the midst of preparing for our wedding ... I was just trying to get to the church on time. :)
Blessings,
Cheri
Hi Bret! I love weddings. My 1st job was coordinating weddings @ Pt. Loma. This piqued my interest. :) Weddings have become big business. You inquire with a photographer and they quote you a price, but at the mention of the word wedding, the price magically doubles for the same shooting and processing time. When I got married (2001) what I read suggested a $50 honorarium for an officiant. It's discussed in every wedding planning resource, and I'm sure it has risen since then. As a bride, is always a pleasant surprise to hear when someone offers to do something free of charge, but it should be expected to incur some charge unless informed differently.
ReplyDeleteNow that is for a local wedding, not one you would have to travel for. Is it a family wedding for a niece who you would have attended anyway had you not been asked to officiate? Is it one of the hundreds/thousands!? of students you have known over the years? It's understandable you can't take on all that expense. It would be completely fair to let them know you are honored to be asked and are excited for them (like you do), an honorarium is customary, and you just ask travel expenses for out of town weddings. Then they can decide if they can do that in their budget. There are so many details with wedding planning & something like this may not occur to the couple. Likely it is their 1st time planning a wedding and they don't know. Christian weddings, I have noticed, often do things on the cheap or DIY, but that doesn't mean there should be an expectation that you will absorb your expense to be there.
This is Alicia, btw, not Chris like in the picture. :)
ReplyDeleteHey Bret...couple thoughts...
ReplyDeleteso ironic that many couples will pay thousands for a venue, photo/videographer, catered meal, cake, rings, honeymoon, et al...and nothing for the actual "marriage" officant..."mawridge is what brings us together today". More show? Pomp and circumstance than substance?
I had a pastor tell me that when a guy asks how much the pastor will charge, he says: How much is she worth to you?
I like the statement above from Cheri.."My only request is that my travel expenses be paid for, since I am not able to absorb those costs."
Fair and Balanced....and true.
I think a bigger Q is where and when and with who are they getting their premarital counsel? If PMC by you...there should be some gift or honorarium...thinking like this: these 3-6 sessions and a 100-300 bucks will be the best investment in your wedding / lifetime of marriage, you could ever make.